Fall is in the air and with it comes the anticipation of delicious holiday food and pleasurable family gatherings. But not for all. For some, the holiday season triggers grief and sadness as we remember lost loved ones and the joyful holiday celebrations of the past. Grief over the
death of a loved one leaves a measurable impact on the well-being of the griever. One poet noted that grief ‘tears a big hole in our hearts.’
What is grief, anyway? Grief is a response to a loss that often includes psychological, social, physical or behavioral reactions. It is not a mental health problem unless the griever is suffering from a complicated bereavement (defined as a failure to work through the processes of grief appropriately) in which case they should see their physician or a licensed therapist for assistance.
In the way of background, humans tend to form emotional bonds known as attachments. We attach to spouses, pets, places and friends. But while attachment
is a natural part of living a rich and full life, a byproduct of attachment is loss. In other words, once we become emotionally attached, we will inevitably experience the
pain of loss when the person or pet dies, a relationship ends or a move is made.
For many individuals aging brings with it a pile-up of losses when a new loss (such as the death of a friend) occurs while we are still suffering grief from a former loss (such as the death of a spouse). For older people, the grief pile-up happens because friends, partners and spouses are often from the same age group. Other factors are loss of physical capabilities and death anxiety about our own death triggered by the deaths of others.
While grief may be unavoidable, it can be managed so that it does not ambush daily living. Suggestions on managing grief:
- Be aware that grief is a normal process that is unique to each individual. Nobody can tell us how to grieve.
- Don’t be alarmed by emotional outbursts, disorganized thinking, forgetfulness, and changes in eating and sleeping patterns in the aftermath of a loss. Emotions such as anger, guilt, restlessness, depression, anxiety or visions of the presence of the deceased can be common reactions to loss.
- Decide if your grief is making it difficult to get up in and go through your daily routine. If it is, see your physician, join a support group or seek mental health counseling.
- Build on what has worked for you in the past. How have you coped with grief in earlier life stages?
- Pay attention to healthy lifestyle issues - such as nutrition, sleep, exercise and avoiding abuse of alcohol.
- Ritualizing the grief through art, writing or creating a memorial.
- Lean on your support system and talk to empathetic friends, family or religious leaders.
- Engage in cultural death traditions, such as the Day of the Dead, American Indian drum circles and religious ceremonies.
- Take care of a pet.
Finally, it is important to recognize that loss can have a silver lining. Loss can help us sharpen our capacity to define our life activities and friendships that are most important to us. Understand that grieving the past can make your “new” holidays and your future meaningful.
Brenda Freeman is a professor and state specialist at the University of Nevada, Reno, Extension. She specializes in grief and loss and is a licensed clinical counselor, author and consultant.
